“Just be more confident!”
Your mum probably told you about just as many times as your friends did.
And, funnily enough, it’s one of the few pieces of information that has transcended the community from the general population.
But unless you’re very careful, building confidence can be one of the very things that holds you back from getting the success with women you want.
It can take a relatively straightforward journey and turn it into a never ending roller-coaster of brilliant highs and miserable lows.
Lets try a little exercise here:
I want you to imagine yourself at your most confident.
I want you to put yourself back in the place in your life where you’ve just felt invincible like nothing could stop you. A place where you had all the confidence you could ever want.
It may have been when you got that girl you were chasing, it may have been that night where it was just on with every girl you saw, it may have been when you won your football grand-final, whatever it is:
Find your place of power.
How does it feel to you? How does it feel to be there? If you haven’t got a place you can recall, just visualise a confident version of yourself.
Then imagine the woman of your dreams standing in front of whatever your image of perfection in this moment happens to be. Is she blonde? Brunette? Curves? Model thin?
Then imagine her standing, looking at you, smiling, with that look of love and devotion, how does it feel?
And then it changes.
All of a sudden it’s not love any more, it’s slowly changing. First to indifference, then to unfamiliarity, then to distrust, and finally, hate.
“I don’t like you. You’re not worthy of me.” She says. “You’re not worthy of anything, you’re just shit. You’re just a piece of shit. You’re not fun, you’re not cool, you’re just shit at life.”
How’s all that confidence working for you now?
Yeah… It’s pretty rough.
We’ve all been there. And yes, you’re going to feel like shit if something like that was to happen. Unless you’re superman, your confidence is going to take a hit.
But what are your thoughts about what she’s said? Do you sit there, wallowing in self pity or do you accept that she thinks that and move on with your journey?
If you’re anything like most guys in the community, you’ve just hit the downward side of the roller-coaster.
You’ve just taken the plunge down that slippery, slippery slope that’s going to put you right back where you started again. No confidence, no energy, no enthusiasm, and you have to start the process of building confidence all over again.
But this doesn’t happen to everyone.
Some people are able to bounce back very quickly from something like this and can even take it as a positive step forward in them finding the woman of their dreams.
What’s the difference?
There’s one key element of building true self confidence that’s lacking from this scenario that means you get stuck on this ride.
The community tells you that the way to build confidence is performing the same action successfully, again and again.
It says that when you can achieve an outcome repeatedly, then you will build confidence. And it can feel like that too! But basing your confidence on your ability to achieve a specific outcome can be very dangerous.
Why?
I want you to imagine yourself in your favourite bar. Then you see the girl of your dreams. Can you guarantee that you can make her like you? Can you guarantee that she’s going to want to be with you?
No. You cannot.
Even if you were the most awesome person in the entire world, even if you were the Dalai Lama, you still could not guarantee anything.
Why? Because she’s a human being.
She’s had experiences, interpreted those experiences, and come up with a totally different map of the world to you.
She may dislike you because of the colour of your skin. She may dislike you because of the way you dress.
She may dislike you because of your height. She may just be in a really shit mood; she may have just seen her ex-boyfriend hooking up with another girl, you don’t know.
You cannot guarantee this external outcome.
Or ANY external outcome for that matter.
If you build your confidence on your ability to achieve an external outcome, you’re trapping yourself on an endless roller-coaster.
You cannot now, or ever will you be able to, guarantee an external outcome. Ever.
There is no way it’s possible because there are factors involved in achieving an external outcome that lie outside your control because they’re external to you.
They’re simply not in your sphere of influence.
You may be able to increase the likelihood of success by accounting and preparing for these possible external elements but there will always be a chance of failure.
If you choose to build your self confidence on your ability to achieve a specific outcome then you’re going to be riding the seduction roller-coaster forever.
You’ll be stuck relying on the next big guru to give you the latest piece of technology to overcome these continually occurring problems that are destroying your confidence.
If you study and study and study, you may be able to get to a point where you’re able to get the girls you want fairly consistently, and during this time, you’re going to feel pretty good about yourself.
But as soon as you can’t, it’s all going to go downhill.
Mystery’s breakdown in Style’s famous book ‘The Game’ (pg. 193) is a perfect example of this.
He’s traveling around America, seducing women, feeling great, then all of a sudden, a girl he’s interested in goes back to her boyfriend and-
“Mystery went quiet. He didn’t speak for ten minutes. Whenever we asked him a question, he responded monosyllabically. It wasn’t that he loved Carly, he just hated rejection” (p.181).
From there, he goes to see his ex-girlfriend. She’s lost 15 pounds, has a great arse and wont take him back because she’s seeing other guys.
He gets worse.
He goes from threatening a Reverend with a knife to locking himself in his apartment and spending days masturbating to internet porn.
This ‘black hole sucking up attention’ (p.192) was surviving on anti-depressants just so he could sleep.
The roller-coaster he’s riding moves closer and closer to the bottom of its journey.
He was thinking about death a lot, thinking about hurting himself and doing something destructive, and suicide –
“When I’m awake, life sucks. It’s futile” (p.199).
Mystery’s confidence is based off his ability to achieve external results.
Being ‘the world’s greatest pickup artist’ is the source of his confidence and when he doesn’t live up to that image, he goes completely down hill.
The only thing that was able to pull him out of that dark, dark place was months of therapy. Does that sound like something you want to choose to bring into your life? If you use your ability to achieve specific outcomes to for building confidence then this is going to be your life.
So what do you do? How do you get off this roller-coaster and still be able to get the results you want?
The problem is based around how you value yourself.
If you’re looking at external factors to let you know how good you are, your confidence is going to keep up and down and up and down. It’s a never ending ride.
The secret to getting off this roller-coaster and building unshakable confidence is shifting how you value yourself.
The self-confidence that the seduction gurus have been ramming down your throat is self-belief, which is only one component of self-confidence.
There are two major parts to building unshakable confidence.
Other major part that they’re missing is self acceptance.
Self-acceptance isn’t about feeling good because you’re good at this, or can do that, or can get this goal. It’s about feeling good about regardless of what you can or can’t do.
It’s about fully accepting yourself, as you are, right now, and that in this moment, you could not be anything other than what you are, right now.
Lets say you were back standing in front of the woman of your dreams again.
You’re standing looking at her smile…
…Looking at her as that smile turns to a from of hate, and she lets go on you again. If you’d based your self worth on how she reacts to you, you’re going to feel like shit and your confidence is going to fall through the floor.
But, if you based your self worth on how much fun you create in your life and how much you love yourself for the sake of loving yourself, then you might feel a bit sad, but you also might feel a bit happy.
Sadness would come from the fact that she’s not the girl of your dreams, but happiness would come from knowing automatically that…
This girl isn’t actually the girl of your dreams.
And you didn’t waste years of your life with her. You can move on from her and find the actual girl of your dreams.
Here’s something to play with in your mind:
If how you feel when she tells you to fuck off depends on how you feel about yourself, is it going to be a faster path to mastery to keep learning new and different ways to stop her from telling you to fuck off?
Or is it going to be faster to simply feel better about your self? So, the inevitable question, how do you develop self-acceptance?
Well, just hold on to your horses for a minute.
I’m going to go through and explain how the issue you’re facing here is at the core of just about every issue your facing and then I’ll show you how you can solve them all at once.
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